It is my Birthday Tomorrow.

the big 2-6!

As you’re reading this, I am undoubtedly recovering from a massive hangover. Like, lying on the bathroom floor with a coke and pad see ew acting as my wet nurse hungover. Yesterday I had a big ol’ birthday party, and the constant attention and love I receive on my birthday overwhelms me to the point where I have to bury my head in the closest bottle of wine.

Even as I get older, there are certain things that I manage to do every damn year. They are not flattering, but they do give me comfort. I always get too drunk (over 21, of course), always overpack the evening with activities, and I always, always cry.

And when I say I cry, it’s not like tears welling up in my eyes once the night is over. No no, this cry happens in the middle of my party, with all my friends around, and everyone is telling me how much fun they’re having. The cry comes out of love for my friends and for how lucky I am to be celebrating another birthday with the people who make me the happiest girl in the world™. At my 25th, I remember hearing friends whisper “No, she’s fine, just don’t look her in the eyes for too long, she’ll start crying again”. God, I have the best people in my life. I digress!

25 was a big year for me. I would say I had a quarter life crisis. At the beginning of 25 I moved from West Hollywood to Silver Lake, quit my job as a hostess to become an assistant, I even started dating someone exclusively! Basically, I was a 50 year old who buys a cherry red Ferrari without his wife’s permission.

And I got a tattoo! As a 25th birthday present to myself, I got one of those Ephemeral Tattoos, the kind that are only supposed to last a year (good jew alert!). Carefully thought out, I decided to get a cloud with a lightning bolt on the inside of my left bicep. It was an homage to my favorite Joni Mitchell song “Both Sides Now”— most of you know it from Love Actually, but I prefer the original version that she wrote and performed at 23:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

I’ve always loved this song and how it speaks to what we think we know with certainty, and as we get older we only realize how little we know about life. When we look back, we reflect on our memories with a wisened perspective.

When I got the tattoo, I remembered thinking “Wow, it’ll be so cool to see the tattoo fade and remember where I was when I had just gotten it, to compare how far I’ve come!”.

Well in the rest of 25, I did not expect all of the big life changes to come crashing down. Now I live alone in Atwater Village, I’m about to start a full time job at Netflix, and I am very, very single!

And consider this a metaphor, but the tattoo still isn’t gone. Yes, the top has faded, but the bottom half of the cloud and lightening bolt is very much still visible.

Not to get too sentimental- but the fact that it’s faded but not completely gone kind of represents this past year. A lot of massive changes, big heartbreaks, set boundaries- and I’m still experiencing the aftershocks of them all. I love to learn a lesson, but damn, all in one year?

At the same time, the big feelings that surrounded the decisions I’ve made about career, love, life- after a while they don’t feel so all consuming- and I’ve found so much joy in the calm after the thunderstorm. While it feels sad to have things in my life fade out, what’s left underneath is a patch of skin, my skin, that has been waiting this whole year to breathe again.

My dad sent me an article saying my “ephemeral tattoo” may last 3 years, but don’t worry! If it never fades you get a refund!

By the time it will supposedly fade, I may be 28, and I’m excited to say I have no goddamn clue where I’ll be other than surrounded by the people and things that make it all worth it. And I’m sure at 28, I’ll look back at this piece and laugh at how hyperbolic I was being. And hopefully, the tattoo is GONE! Seriously, I love Joni, but this is not the tattoo I would’ve gotten for life.

Happy birthday to me! No expectations for 26, just good vibes with good people. And some good food and sex wouldn’t hurt. Love you all.

xoxo

Lucy