On My Walk

These are just some things I noticed on my walk around my neighborhood. I’m trying to be more present :)

Lonesome is a State of Mind

When I’m depressed, anxious, etc.: I hyper fixate. When my grandma passed away the only song I listened to was “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard” - but not the Paul Simon version. No, that would be far too normal. It was, of course, the Jack Antonoff version- featured on the highly prolific Secret Life of Pets movie soundtrack.

The Crux, Djo’s new album, has clicked into the sad part of my brain like a flesh colored lego. Walking around with my wired headphones (not like other girls) and listening from top to bottom, no skips.

I’ve listened to this album upwards of forty times and it’s been out for a week. But you know when you’ve heard a song but you finally hear a lyric?

Time, it takes an edge
And grinds it clean
Turns a scar to a seam

I like the way he said that. Kinda self explanatory. Djo, if you’re reading this, thank you for fueling my breakup!!

Little Lizard

I almost stepped on a tiny lizard! He (she? they?) was padding along a crack in the sidewalk. That’s when you know summer’s coming. I love seeing them bathe their little bodies in the sun, feels very “nature is healing”.

After I sidestepped the lizard, my first instinct was to try and grab it. Why do we do that? See something fast, not meant for us, and immediately want to hold it? By nature it is not meant to be caught! Which of course begged the question, what would I even do if I did catch it? Probably scream and drop it. I don’t really like reptiles.

When I was little, if there was a bunny in the backyard I would beg my mom to let me keep it. My mom would say “if you can catch it, you can have it”. So I would sprint around my backyard trying to grab what wasn’t meant for me, never succeeding, but always feeling like I was really close.

That probably had an effect on me psychologically, huh. Anywho!

Baby on a Stoop

Okay this was just hilarious to me. I saw the cutest little toddler sitting on the stoop of a home. She was eating dried seaweed and looking at me. Making eye contact with babies is fun because they never break first. They’re just like... curious. And they don’t feel weird, or awkward, or anxious about looking at you. I wonder when we develop that aversion to being seen. As I passed her, I stuck out my tongue, hoping she’d laugh. She did not! Very focused on her seaweed, which, I respected.

As I passed the mom standing with the baby’s stroller, I turned back and noticed someone else was in there. Jumpscare! It was a little boy, but not that little, squished and contorted into the stroller that was clearly meant for his baby sister.

I almost burst out laughing. It had to be one of those things where the older sibling was jealous, and “wanted a turn in the stroller”, to be the baby again. I bet he was so uncomfortable, but maybe on principal he felt seen. He was at least three years too old to be in there. But I looked at him, and stuck out my tongue just as I would for a baby. Of course, he did not laugh. He also didn’t make eye contact with me. I guess that’s the age when we stop looking at the world innocently!

Not A Through Street

I pass this sign all the time. The signage is very straightforward. Not a Through Street: “Do not take this street, as it will lead you to a dead end”.

I wish we had “Not a Through Street” signs on parts of our lives. “Do not date that man, he is emotionally unavailable”. “Do not take that job, it won’t free up your life the way you think it will”.

Obviously, we cannot. Every street has to seem like it goes on forever, and then suddenly becomes a dead end. Otherwise, we would never go anywhere! Part of me wanted to walk down the anti-street, just to see. Just to really really make sure that it was NOT! a through street. However, I did not. Didn’t feel worth it.

I guess that’s it? I don’t know, this felt a lot more impactful in my head when I was rushing home to write it down. I’ll try to extract meaning from a paper bag, I fear. Maybe being present isn’t as interesting as I expect it to be. Perhaps… that’s the point.

Laters!